Letter

Dear T,

I've been bottling up my thoughts for quite some time and I just have to get some things out of my mind. And instead of me always having to hear your excuses and whatever explanation you have, I think it's pretty fair I have my part voiced out too since I don't get to say my part or usually got too emotional to carry on with the topic.

What I can say is, we were on the wrong pace when things started off and escalated too quickly. I'm just glad that things had fallen to its right places now, and we both moved on with our lives, and saved me alot of night thoughts of how to work things out with you when I didn't even wanted to get committed yet, and the LDR thing cuz I really hate the thought of being in a long distance relationship.

Ok, so there's this major thing I really wanna get it off my chest. So the day you got discharged, I really wanted to get the first updates and really spend some quality time and be there for you. But I guess things didnt really worked out when I was not your first choice when you wanted to talk to someone about your problems? Deep inside me, I was actually quite hurt by this, and secondly after THAT FRIDAY and we totally lost contact, I was also quite hurt when you started avoiding when u said your parents said I was inconsiderate? I mean c'mon, your parents barely even talk to me for more than 5mins, and its even less than 5 sentence, who are they to judge? And because of that, you start avoiding and all, and konnonnya gimme excuses about your moodswings and all shits because of your medication side effects. Wa this I really cannot accept, I wanted to flip the table so badly when I first heard this RIGHT FROM YOUR OWN MOUTH. Sometimes I really do doubt what is your definition of liking someone?

At first I was quite dumb and naive, I actually thought it was the medication side effects, but later on the more you start to pour your anger and start showing me all your mood swings, it was so bad that my daily mood got affected by it, and thats when I thought enough is enough. A person who truly cares and appreciate what his partner does, doesnt reacts like that. At that point too late, kena taken advantage d. BUT I was more than willing to do things for you at that point just because I cared, and how stupid I was now thinking back of my actions.

Call me inconsiderate or whatever, at this moment right now, I couldnt be bothered by your feelings anymore. I was so tired with your immature acts, I have to constantly take care of you mentally eventho I would really appreciate it the other way round. For you to say that I'm inconsiderate of you, I really don't know where or what I did wrong? As far as I know, I was there for you when you was sick way before you were admitted, I was there for you when you were having your work stress and your dilemmas, I was there for you whenever you needed someone, even thinking out for you how to live in the city and all, and most importantly there for you when you were admitted, and also there for you for most of the times whenever you needed someone. #supernotappreciated

Even you've said that you weren't avoiding, but please ok, blind people also can read your actions that you're avoiding. To be honest with you, I really felt the exclusion in your life compared to other people.

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I really hate the fact that the day you went to collect your medical report? You just literally copy and paste your msg for someone else and just forward straight to me? And you even got the guts to type copy and paste? and when I find out from someone else, you actually bothered to edit them but not to me. OK, FINE.

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I've already got a feeling that something is not right the very FIRST moment I saw that picture, and you know what? I just couldn't believe how fast you moved on? If you can say that she was someone who was there for you when you fell ill, then.... what about that person who was there for you when you were in the hospital huh? Who was there the day you were admitted, who was there to get all your necessities stuffs, who was there to accompany you during your whole admittance? Call me small gas or whatsoever, I couldn't be bothered. For someone who you barely know, and was just there to give you emotional support and you can immediately say she was the one and so on, all I can do is, applause to you.

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I made the effort to bake you healthy cookies, just because I knew you can't snack on alot of things, but apparently you two face snake, infront of me you told me you really liked it and all, and behind my bck u told someone else that you dont need all these? And you know what, I actually took the effort to bake the cookies, took the effort to go places to find the cookie jar, and send it right to your place? THIS, it really made me boiling mad and felt SO UNAPPRECIATED. Good to know that you faked it till its so obvious. OK, FINE.

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People can ajak you go makan, go movie oh you oblige. But when it comes to me, all sorts of excuses starts flowing in. Even wearing same coloured clothes, go toilet same timing also must avoid. Eh hello, how obvious could it be ah? Am I THAT BLIND not to notice it?

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I made the effort to text you, call you, find you for at least once a week at that time just because I know you needed time to rest and you need to spend time with your family, you said I wasn't concern and I didnt make the effort to make the first move? And u said u don't usually text someone first, but have you forgotten that actually you were the one who initiated all the first moves? Is that how you chase a girl? I actually felt quite dejected at that point, for you to not bother updating me your condition, and replying me short cool msges that are so unusual of you?

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Its funny u said my doings were awkward to you, what about your actions to me before this? Why is it that you can do it or say it to me, but when I said it back theres always shitloads of excuses for it? Sometimes I kept silent doesn't mean I agree or oblige to whatever you thought I did or whatsoever, as u should already know by now that I'm not a very expressive person. I really hate it when you always doubt my sincerity to you. When I said I will be there for you, I really meant it ok, and I didnt wanna let go at that point its not because I'm a materialistic or a realistic person. If I were that kind of person, would I bother lingering around you? Why not find someone who is far more well off?

I've never thought that you could be this honest as ever, and obviously all these only applies to me. Doesn't mean all these while I kept quiet I don't feel hurt or as you said, I'm a tough person and its not my style to be feeling these way means I oblige to your agreement.

*Just a shout out to you, I'm still a girl in either way and I DO ACTUALLY get emotional in alot of things, just that I chose not to portray it out?*


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Honestly, I thank God every opportunity I have that we we're not together, and I'm glad I took time to actually gave a thought about us and how things will work out IF I decided to give it a go. So piece of thought to you, doesn't matter 2 months or 2 years, it doesn't matter as long theres feelings I'm willing to work things out regardless or whatever obstacle we might stumble upon with. But for a guy who can give up so easily without even trying or putting much effort in, I don't see the point of wasting time if that person is not gonna do the same.

Just so you know, I don't need any reasons or responsible to do anything for the person I really cared for, so when I'm willing to do it's not a trouble for me. And what I'm looking for in a partner is not someone who is rich or loaded with money, or who is so perfect in everything  (cuz I know I'm not perfect too). All I need is just someone who I know will be there for me whenever I need someone to rely on or a shoulder to cry on, be there to support me physically and mentally, to take care of me and give me laughter and happy moments, although there will be loads of arguments too, is that too much to ask for? In my dictionary, we all start off poor, whatever we have now is provided by our parents and its not earned by ourselves, and whatever money we earned by ourselves, is how much we're worth of, just bare that in mind, ok?

And lastly, you taught me how to be a caring partner and I really appreciated your effort. So now it's my turn to teach you how to treat a lady right. Please do not make them feel insecure, really. You don't go being concern and liking them then putting them as your first priority and suddenly pull it all back  and leave that person hanging there alone, wondering whats happening WITHOUT any explanation. And when you've already decided to give up on someone suddenly, please have a valid reason and not be a coward hiding behind screens and only got the balls to tell them through texting.


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My piece of advice to you, please gather up your balls and be A MAN and not a coward. Please, PLEASE change your mindset and not be so judgmental, can?

*If you so happen to see this post someday, whatever ok? I dont really care if u get mad or butthurt of whatever I said, cuz I have enough of shitloads you've given me even after all I've done, you don't even appreciate a single bit. GO DIE.

AND YEAH, I ACTUALLY CARED THIS MUCH TO TYPE ALL THIS OUT.
#RAGE


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